By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Nov. 17, 2014
Idaho Falls, ID — David Allen of Idaho Falls has been formally documented by his employer for lying about being exposed to Ebola and voluntarily going into isolation in his apartment for 21 days. According to his employer, Mason Construction Services, Allen is in fact healthy and was never exposed to the dangerous virus.
“He just wants to have more days off than we provide. I was suspicious of his excuse right away, because last week he tried negotiating for more vacation time but his request wasn’t approved. Then he calls us today with this story, after not traveling anywhere and without any other cases in the state,” said Allen’s supervisor Adam Grant.
David Allen, however, denies his supervisor’s claim.
“I really do need to stay home for 3 weeks to be sure I’m not carrying Ebola; if I end up showing symptoms at work, I’d be exposing everyone there. I’m the kind of responsible employee who wouldn’t do that to my coworkers and supervisors,” Allen said via phone to reporters.
When asked when and how he became exposed to Ebola, Allen can pinpoint the exact moment.
“Well, I’d just gone to pick up my friend from the airport on his return home from a work conference in Washington. As I waited for him, an African-looking guy walked by me; he looked sick and started coughing right in front of me before I could move away. I think that’s enough risk,” said Allen. However, Allen says he has not seen a doctor as of yet, which is why he cannot provide the documentation his employer has asked for.
“I don’t want to see a doctor and have my suspicions documented, because I hear they send people to your house and incinerate all your belongings to prevent the spread of the virus. I have a lot of cool comic books I collect, and also pet mice. I figure I’ll just quarantine myself and see what happens; I’ll go if I get sick, but hopefully I never show symptoms and I can return to work in 3 weeks,” said Allen.
Allen’s coworkers agree with supervisor Adam Grant, saying they don’t believe Allen’s bizarre claims since he has been known to miss work for a variety of unusual reasons.
“I’m not sure if he’s very sickly, a hypochondriac, or just plain lying,” said a coworker of Allen’s at Mason Construction Services who declined to give her name. “Back when swine flu was big in the news, he said he couldn’t come in because he had it. He also once said he had SARS,” she said.
According to another anonymous coworker, Allen’s excuses aren’t always so grand, but they do follow a predictable pattern.
“David does sometimes call out sick with more routine illnesses like just having a cold, but the day before he’ll be talking up a storm about how bad he’s feeling. Whenever he does that, I know he’s planning to be out the next day, and I’m always right,” he said.
Allen says he doesn’t understand what his previous absences have to do with his current voluntary isolation.
“I’m doing this for their safety too. Besides, all of those past absences were valid. And of course I’ll talk about feeling sick before I’m out, because I’m sick! This is ridiculous,” he said.
He then told reporters he had to end the call to get ready for his friend’s birthday dinner, but then quickly clarified that he would not be going out due to his self-imposed quarantine.
“I, uh, meant I’d be joining them over Skype; I have to get ready for it because I do want to look decent when I log on to tell my friend happy birthday. Of course I’m not going out or anything; I, uh, definitely can’t go anywhere for 3 weeks to be safe, which is the whole reason why I can’t go to work,” he said with a nervous laugh.
Note: Yet more fake news, my friends; I can’t stop…! I thought I’d use recent headlines to hopefully give you a laugh. 🙂