Area Man Uses Ebola Excuse to Extend Vacation Days

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Nov. 17, 2014

Idaho Falls, ID — David Allen of Idaho Falls has been formally documented by his employer for lying about being exposed to Ebola and voluntarily going into isolation in his apartment for 21 days. According to his employer, Mason Construction Services, Allen is in fact healthy and was never exposed to the dangerous virus.

“He just wants to have more days off than we provide. I was suspicious of his excuse right away, because last week he tried negotiating for more vacation time but his request wasn’t approved. Then he calls us today with this story, after not traveling anywhere and without any other cases in the state,” said Allen’s supervisor Adam Grant.

David Allen, however, denies his supervisor’s claim.

“I really do need to stay home for 3 weeks to be sure I’m not carrying Ebola; if I end up showing symptoms at work, I’d be exposing everyone there. I’m the kind of responsible employee who wouldn’t do that to my coworkers and supervisors,” Allen said via phone to reporters.

When asked when and how he became exposed to Ebola, Allen can pinpoint the exact moment.

“Well, I’d just gone to pick up my friend from the airport on his return home from a work conference in Washington. As I waited for him, an African-looking guy walked by me; he looked sick and started coughing right in front of me before I could move away. I think that’s enough risk,” said Allen. However, Allen says he has not seen a doctor as of yet, which is why he cannot provide the documentation his employer has asked for.

“I don’t want to see a doctor and have my suspicions documented, because I hear they send people to your house and incinerate all your belongings to prevent the spread of the virus. I have a lot of cool comic books I collect, and also pet mice. I figure I’ll just quarantine myself and see what happens; I’ll go if I get sick, but hopefully I never show symptoms and I can return to work in 3 weeks,” said Allen.

Allen’s coworkers agree with supervisor Adam Grant, saying they don’t believe Allen’s bizarre claims since he has been known to miss work for a variety of unusual reasons.

“I’m not sure if he’s very sickly, a hypochondriac, or just plain lying,” said a coworker of Allen’s at Mason Construction Services who declined to give her name. “Back when swine flu was big in the news, he said he couldn’t come in because he had it. He also once said he had SARS,” she said.

According to another anonymous coworker, Allen’s excuses aren’t always so grand, but they do follow a predictable pattern.

“David does sometimes call out sick with more routine illnesses like just having a cold, but the day before he’ll be talking up a storm about how bad he’s feeling. Whenever he does that, I know he’s planning to be out the next day, and I’m always right,” he said.

Allen says he doesn’t understand what his previous absences have to do with his current voluntary isolation.

“I’m doing this for their safety too. Besides, all of those past absences were valid. And of course I’ll talk about feeling sick before I’m out, because I’m sick! This is ridiculous,” he said.

He then told reporters he had to end the call to get ready for his friend’s birthday dinner, but then quickly clarified that he would not be going out due to his self-imposed quarantine.

“I, uh, meant I’d be joining them over Skype; I have to get ready for it because I do want to look decent when I log on to tell my friend happy birthday. Of course I’m not going out or anything; I, uh, definitely can’t go anywhere for 3 weeks to be safe, which is the whole reason why I can’t go to work,” he said with a nervous laugh.

Note: Yet more fake news, my friends; I can’t stop…! I thought I’d use recent headlines to hopefully give you a laugh. 🙂

Woman Refuses to Visit Tropical Locales Due to Fear of Insects

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Nov. 14, 2014

BOSTON, MA — A woman in Boston, Massachusetts is angering friends over her refusal to travel to any tropical region for fear of encountering exotic insects.

“My friends and I are trying to plan a fun trip for this winter and they keep suggesting places like Puerto Rico and Hawaii, but I hear there are huge, flying bugs in tropical places like that. So there’s no way I’ll go there,” said Melinda Michaelson.

Michaelson’s friends say they don’t understand her staunch refusal to visit a tropical climate.

“First of all, we’d be staying at a nice hotel and would probably never even venture out beyond the tourist areas, which I’m sure are not running rampant with bugs,” said Lisa Andrews, a friend of Michaelson’s. “Besides, it’s winter; why would we not visit a tropical climate? There’s no point in visiting another cold area!” Andrews added.

Fellow friend Angela Ford agrees with Andrews. “I even suggested hot, but dry, areas like Arizona, but Melinda won’t go there either. She started talking about how places like that have scorpions and that was the end of that discussion too, which was really frustrating,” Ford said.

As for where Michaelson would be comfortable staying, she told reporters she is open to “temperate places” but would not elaborate further.

The group has put their vacation plans on hold for the time being, pending further research and discussion.

Note: Just some more fake news for fun, yet based on true discussions I’ve been a part of; there’s always a “kernel of truth” (well hello, blog name shout-out!) to the “fake” stories I write!

Amazon Contracts with School Buses for Help with Holiday Deliveries

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Nov. 6, 2014

SEATTLE, WA — Amazon insiders report that the company is in talks with school bus companies to create a partnership in which the buses and their passengers will help handle Amazon’s increased delivery demands during the holiday season.

As for how the proposed school bus partnership would work, Amazon employees say packages for certain neighborhoods would be retrieved by the bus drivers at a local warehouse before picking up the schoolchildren at the end of each school day. The drivers would then distribute packages to the children according to each child’s exact block of residence.

“Suppose a child lives on a block where two homes are due to receive packages; he or she would be given those packages to drop off on their way home from the bus,” said a company representative.

According to paperwork outlining the plans for the unique partnership, school bus companies would be paid for these services. As for the children, they will receive academic credit and grades for their work as part of a “Kidternships for the Holidays” program tied into schools’ curricula.

“We are especially proud to be able to provide children and their families with this experience. It is our belief that if children can handle taking on jobs like paper routes, they can assist us with delivering packages. In exchange, we are pleased to provide them with academic credit and valuable work experience,” said one Amazon representative.

Other company sources, however, say the initiative benefits Amazon more than the children.

“Since this program is not a job but is tied in with class lessons and homework, it’s exempt from child labor laws. I have to admit it’s a clever workaround, but we all know it primarily benefits us,” said an Amazon employee who spoke on condition of anonymity.

A teacher from a local school who will be involved in the program agrees. “I have never seen our lesson plans get changed so quickly; even those of us who work here can’t get that done very easily. I don’t know exactly what Jeff Bezos did to get this program rolling so quickly, but I hear it involves implying schools won’t get their own packages delivered on schedule if they don’t agree,” said the teacher, who asked to be unnamed. “And people would be surprised to know that we get a lot of our school supplies from Amazon. We’re as reliant on it as the public is,” she added.

As for how Amazon plans to handle packages that arrive late or damaged, or are not delivered at all, school representatives state harsh penalties will be involved.

“We’ve been forced to…I mean, we have decided to expel children who do not successfully deliver their packages. They will also receive failing grades for that task. This will be made very clear to our students as well as their families at the start of the program, and we do not anticipate any major problems that can’t be resolved,” said a school official involved in outlining the partnership’s arrangements.

Calls to Jeff Bezos as well as Amazon’s official media liaison were not returned as of press time.

Note: This is yet another “fake news” article by me; I was inspired to write it after reading a true piece on Mashable about Amazon partnering with taxicabs to deliver packages during the holiday rush. I responded on Twitter by joking that they should think of doing this with school buses and kids — and then realized I should write about it for fun! Hope you enjoyed it. 🙂

Local Politician Regrets Honest Advertising Campaign in Light of Election Day Loss

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Nov. 5, 2014

CANTONVILLE, NJ — Ray Murray is expressing regret over his honest advertising campaign in his unsuccessful run for school board president of District 3 in Cantonville, New Jersey. He has served as a member of the board since 2013 but was not elected as its president yesterday.

Murray’s campaign featured him speaking candidly to the public about his strengths and weaknesses as well as those of current board president Michael Linton, who was re-elected by a landslide.

“I’m human just like everyone else and wanted voters to know what I’m strong in and what I’ve worked on improving. For instance, I’m very organized, but I haven’t always been the most punctual in the past. I’ve resolved that issue but I knew many people, especially the board, would remember that, so I figured I’d address it myself and explain how I wouldn’t allow that to affect the start of school board meetings,” said Murray.

“As for what I said about Linton, I still stand by it. While I don’t feel Linton’s meeting agendas are as thorough as they should be, he is a skilled spokesperson for the board and gives great engaging speeches to the community. I had to admit that voters had a hard decision to make, but I guess my honest, positive approach only hurt me in the end,” Murray added.

Local residents and fellow school board members say Murray’s unconventional campaign strategy had little bearing on their decision, however.

“I didn’t even know who was running for what, so I didn’t vote. I guess I’ve been too busy binge-watching shows on Netflix!” said resident Jonathan Shore with a laugh while out shopping with his children, both of whom attend Public School 149 in the neighborhood.

One board member, who chose to remain anonymous, said, “I wanted Linton re-elected because he keeps our meetings brief and gets us out quickly. I have a lot on my plate, so that’s really the most important thing to me. I wasn’t sure Murray could do that. As they say, you know the devil you have, so I went with Linton again.”

Murray says he will not give up on his goal of becoming school board president in the future. In the meantime, he plans to spend the rest of the week removing campaign posters from his home and office as well as the surrounding neighborhood.

Note: This is another fake news article I was in the mood to write after watching Election Day coverage. 🙂 

Edit, as of November 7: As it turns out, fake stories like this one aren’t too far-fetched; today I read about a man who was elected to a school board after trying to back out and not even campaigning at all! You can read the true story here.

 

Area Family Disqualified from Family Feud for Feuding

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Oct. 20, 2014

LONG BEACH, CA — The Garcia family from Long Beach, California has been disqualified from long-running game show Family Feud due to excessive feuding between relatives.

The disqualification occurred during an in-person audition for the show on Saturday, October 18 in Los Angeles. Members of the Garcia family say they were not given a fair chance.

“All that happened was a few of us disagreed over the answers we wanted to give to the question, and the show’s staff cut us off right away and thanked us for coming, but said we would not be appearing on the show. I demanded to know why the hell not, but they wouldn’t tell me,” said Ronald Garcia, 42.

Fellow auditioning relative Evelyn Garcia, 38, said she feels that the disqualification is likely due to her brother-in-law Robert. “I blame Bobby. We had to name a gift wives would love to receive from their husbands and when it was his turn, he said home appliances. My sister hates when he gives her stuff like that, and he knows it. So I told him off right then, hoping he could give a better answer instead, but he refused. That’s when I noticed the show’s staff looking at us with weird looks on their faces,” she said.

Robert Garcia, 39, disagrees, saying he was not at fault. “I told Evelyn to shut up, that she didn’t know what she was talking about and should mind her business with our marriage and my answer to the damn question. If anything, I blame our disqualification on my wife, who started crying when I said that, as usual,” he said.

A member of the show’s casting team, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Garcia family’s fighting was too intense for the daytime show’s upbeat environment. “We’re looking for fun families who get along well with each other, and this family wasn’t that. They were just too heated and it distracted from the gameplay itself. They’d be a better match for an intervention type of show. I know our show is called Family Feud, but that’s supposed to refer to an entertaining battle between two families competing against each other on the show. We’re not looking to showcase actual feuding within families.”

The Garcia family plans to audition for other game shows in the near future on an individual basis, but cannot agree on which ones.

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Note: This is another “fake” news story I was inspired to write after recently hearing a true story about a family not being picked for the show a few years back. So, then I ran with the idea and let my imagination have some fun with it; I’ve been getting a kick out of writing these! You can read others I’ve written, here, here, and here. 🙂

Local Resident Insists on Commenting on Neighbors’ Comings and Goings

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Oct. 7, 2014

BROOKLYN, NY — Park Slope residents in one rental complex have filed a complaint with their landlord about neighbor Mary Farnsworth. According to the complaint, Farnsworth “repeatedly engages in nosy behavior with everyone in the building, invading our privacy at every turn.”

Complex residents state that Farnsworth began prying into their personal lives soon after she moved in three years ago.

“The first time I met her, I got on the elevator with her on my way home from the supermarket. Right away I saw this lady eyeing my bags and looking at me, like she was eager to talk. I was tired, though, so I avoided eye contact,” said Gloria Perry. “But it didn’t work. She asked me, ‘Oh, you were getting groceries?’ in this nosy way. I felt like saying back, ‘No, I just enjoy carrying food around in bags,’ but thought better of it and just said yes. She’s always been like that, and it’s annoying,” Perry recalled.

Other tenants agree, saying they’ve faced similar inquiries. “It’s weird she has to comment on the most mundane things and point out the obvious. Like the other day, she saw me heading to the laundry room with my laundry basket full of clothing, yet she actually asked me if I was going to do my wash. I mean, really, what’s the point of an inane question like that?” said neighbor Lucy Chu, adding that she often tries to avoid Farnsworth whenever possible. “I avoid going anywhere I hear her or see her, if I can,” said Chu.

One neighbor, Steve Ferrer, said Farnsworth has even gone so far as to give him unsolicited advice. “The other day in the lobby she saw me coming in with a pizza from the place down the block. She said I should go to the one three blocks over instead; she said she likes the pizza there better. I told her I’d had their food and didn’t like it as much, but she just kept saying, ‘Go there, you’ll love it.’ It was like she wasn’t even hearing me,” said Ferrer.

There was no response from building management as to what can be done about the complaint against Farnsworth.

Fellow resident Thomas Jeffries said he is worried nothing will change. “I mean, I agree with the complaint, but really, what can they do? She’s not breaking any policies or laws. So when you have an annoying neighbor like that, you’re pretty much on your own,” he said with a sigh.

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Note: This is not a real news story; it’s another fake news story I came up with, although it was inspired by real events…if you like fake (and hopefully funny) news stories like this one, you can read a few others I’ve written, here and here. 🙂

Commuters Complain about Curious Cabdriver

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Sept. 27, 2014

BRONX, NY — Multiple Bronx residents are banding together to protest the intrusiveness of an overly curious cabdriver who works for 123 Livery Service on Burnside Avenue.

“I called them for a taxi a couple of weeks ago and as soon as I got in, the driver wouldn’t stop asking me questions,” said Morris Heights resident Susie Atkinson. “I could tell he was harmless and just trying to make conversation, but it was still annoying. He asked if the address I was going to was where I worked, what I did for a living, stuff like that. It was non-stop,” Atkinson said.

Another local resident, Gordon Martin, said he has gotten the same cabdriver using 123 Livery Service and was subjected to a similar barrage of personal questions. “I called for a ride home from a friend’s place one night and he didn’t stop talking the whole way,” Martin recalled. “I didn’t think much of it until he started asking if I lived in the area and was heading home and if so, how much was my rent there? I found that way weird. He was polite and just seemed genuinely interested but I didn’t feel like telling him that, so I lied. I told him I was staying with a friend and had no idea,” said Martin.

Other 123 Livery Service customers report that the driver, known so far only as “George,” also enjoys asking riders about their musical tastes, ethnicity, and opinions on the Cross Bronx Expressway’s traffic problems. In addition, he has been known to ask passengers who ride in pairs or groups if they are related to one another.

“What he’ll ask is really random, but he always throws in some personal questions. It’s like he doesn’t know where the line is or when to stop talking,” said one passenger who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation. “It’s not that I think he’s dangerous or anything, but I do need to use the car service a lot and don’t want to be told no cars are available when I call, or be kept waiting. They do that if you piss them off, you know,” explained the passenger.

A petition is currently circulating within the neighborhood asking that Driver George refrain from asking his passengers so many questions. Customers plan to turn the petition over to 123 Livery Service once they’ve collected 100 signatures.

Management for 123 Livery Service could not be reached for comment.

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Note: This article is another fake news article I decided to write after I enjoyed writing this piece. I was inspired to write this one after taking yet another cab with an overly inquisitive driver — so I guess you could say it’s based on a true story since this has happened to me, and many other people I know, quite a lot over the years. 🙂

Local Parent Faces Backlash for Notifying Young Son of Upcoming Divorce Via Text

By SOME KERNELS OF TRUTH Sept. 23, 2014

POMONA, NY — Area resident Linda Wilson is facing criticism for notifying her 8-year-old son Michael of her upcoming divorce from his father via a text message.

“When I read that text, I couldn’t believe it. Her son was right there on the message! That’s just so wrong,” said Maria Cooper, a close friend of Wilson’s who received the message. “I wrote about it on Facebook and before I knew it, everyone was agreeing with me and telling her the same thing,” Cooper said.

Despite the criticism she received, Wilson says she sees nothing wrong with the message she sent on Saturday, September 13 to close friends and family.

“There were so many people I had to tell, it just made sense to do it with a group message. And I didn’t feel right leaving my son out of that,” Wilson told reporters. “Maybe if he’d been home I would have told him directly, but he was at his friend’s house. I had no choice,” she said, adding that she worded the text very carefully. “You can see for yourself; heck, you can put it in the paper for all I care! I did nothing wrong,” Wilson said, granting permission for the text to be reprinted in its entirety.

The message read: “I have some news 4 u all. Me & Joseph — of course that’s ‘Dad’ 2 u, Mikey! — aren’t going 2 stay married. We’re getting a divorce as soon as possible. Sorry 2 text this. I wanted u all 2 know as soon as we decided, but it’s hard 4 us to talk about right now. Writing it is easier. Thanks 4 understanding. Luv u all!”

Wilson says her son was dropped off at her home about an hour later by his friend Aaron’s mother. “The minute she got to the house with him, she lit into me. It was totally uncalled for,” Wilson recalled. “She said Michael had been so upset when he read my text that he couldn’t talk at first. She asked to see what had upset him and he handed her his phone. She said I shouldn’t have done that, but who is she to say that? My son deserved to be part of the message I was sending, plus he loves texting,” Wilson said.

“Besides, I said right there in the text that this was hard for me to talk about! He should understand that,” Wilson added.

Calls to Wilson’s soon-to-be ex-husband were not returned as of press time. Son Michael also declined to comment.

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Note: This is not a real article, as you probably guessed! I wrote it after a friend and I were texting about how parents should and should not break the news to their kids about a divorce. Towards the end of our exchange, I joked that one way parents surely should NOT do so is via a text. We found this ludicrous idea funny and thought it could make a great article for the Onion, similar to pieces like this recent one. My friend said I should write this up and pitch it to them, but they don’t accept freelance submissions. But you know what? There’s no reason I can’t write some spoof articles for my blog; they don’t own the concept of fake, humorous news, AMIRITE?! 🙂 So, hope you enjoyed this!